I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
