he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
