I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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