Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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