I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
