Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
