i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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