I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
