Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
