exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
