Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
