holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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