You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
