the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
