God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
