i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
