If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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