A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
