My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Someone signed my nipple.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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