first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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