There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
