Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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