There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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