it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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