I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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