apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
