Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
