I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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