I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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