Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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