The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
