there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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