Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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