Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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