Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
