I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
