Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
