I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
