I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
