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I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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