i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
