Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
