I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
