you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
