if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
