new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think my vagina is haunted
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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