I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
