You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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