May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
