worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
