cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
