turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
